Let me begin with this: This is MY story. This story may evoke certain emotions. You may even look at me differently after reading this. I don’t want your sympathy, criticism, or advice. If you are my friend in real life, we will not talk about this post. EVER. What I ask of all my readers is that you please learn from my experience… 

I have a neighborhood bar I frequent on the weekends. I know all the bartenders, managers, and even some of the other regulars. There is one bartender who I find myself attracted to, Eric. I’m not even sure why. He’s nowhere near my type. He’s approximately 5’8″, thin, big nose, and he’s a fucking bartender. Don’t get me wrong, I was once a bartender but that was a long time ago. At my age, the only bartender I want to be dating is the one that owns the bar.  

Eric and I flirt every time I’m in the bar. After months of doing this we finally exchange numbers. Now, I never had any real intentions on fucking him. Personally, I don’t shit where I eat. If we have sex, I’ll no longer go to that bar. And I like this bar. 

Eric will text and ask me to come to the bar about twice a week. Usually, I’m busy and can’t make it. But, one evening I was finally available and accepted his invitation. When I get to the bar there are two of the regulars there and the bar back. Eric pours my usual, Jameson on the rocks and an iced water. We go to the patio, sit and start talking about our day. We finish our drinks and he leaves to grab us another. When he comes back he stands me up, grabs my face and begins to kiss me. His kiss made me weak. He pulls me closer and I can feel his cock getting hard. I pull away and excuse myself to the bathroom. I needed to get away. Wow. That was exhilarating! I pull myself together and head back his way. I tell him I have to leave. He kisses me one last time, I tell everyone goodnight and head home. Once home, I jump in the shower and pleasure myself so I’m not completely sexually frustrated. 

A couple of weeks go by. Eric sends me a couple of invites back to the bar, which I decline. But one evening a few of my friends are going there and ask me to join. I meet them there and we immediately begin with an “I miss you” shot, followed by a couple of beers. A few hours pass and the guys decide it’s time for them to go home. I talk them into one more drink – Jameson on the rocks. We finish and they leave. I stay. As soon as they leave I get a text from Eric asking me for a birthday kiss and to meet him at the bar. I don’t know if it was the alcohol or the fact that I hadn’t been laid in quite some time but I text him back “I’d rather fuck”. Who the fuck am I?! That wasn’t classy. That wasn’t ladylike. And I really did not want to fuck him. I liked having this forbidden type of attraction with him. 

I was done drinking. I needed to go home. I’m saying goodbye to a couple of people and Horatio (the barback) asks me to have one more drink with him. I agree to. Now walks in Eric. He’s looking at me with this mischevious smile. Horatio grabs him a beer and he kisses me on the lips. We sit for a short while and I tell him I have to get home. He walks out with me and that’s all I remember until the next morning. 

I wake up in a panic! I’m naked. Face down in my bed. I text Eric and this is his recollection of the evening. 

He says I tried to drive home and he stopped me and gave me a ride. He explains his car still smells like puke. Are you fucking kidding me?! How embarrassing. I apologize. He says he helped me to my door and I told him to sit while I took a shower. I ask if we had sex. He then begins to describe in explicit detail what we did. We had anal! I don’t do anal. I tell him I don’t remember anything! He says I gave him perfect directions to my house. He tells me I didn’t seem “that drunk”. I confirm whether or not we used protection. We did. Oh, thank god! 

This has never happened to me before. I’ve never had a one night stand and I’ve never blacked out. I begin to ask him questions about my drunkenness. If I threw up in his car would that not be an indicator that I’m too drunk?! 

Still, I’m ashamed. I feel violated. I call out of work for 3 days. I lay in bed sobbing. I can’t tell anyone. I feel like this is my fault. My ignorance and irresponsibility caused this. I’m so confused too as to how this happened. I knew I drank a lot but it was also over a long period of time. I shouldn’t have blacked out. And why do I feel so violated? I cry. I cry. I cry. 

Eric attempts to keep in touch. I block him from any social media we followed each other on and block his number from my phone. I never step foot in that bar again… 

I often ask myself, “did I ask for it?” It’s a very serious question that I think many people have asked themselves after an evening of irresponsible choices. To this day, I can neither confirm or deny that our encounter was consensual. And if I didn’t say no, did this make it consensual in his mind? This is disturbing for me. As a woman, as a mother, as a human being. 

In writing this, I am able to let go some of the guilt that has been weighing so heavily on me. I am able to try to forgive. Not forgive him but forgive myself. I am able to tell MY story. 

If you’ve been raped or this type of situation has happened to you, please call 1-800-656-HOPE to be connected to a rape crisis center in your area.  
911rape.org