At this juncture in my life, I’m not even sure what I want. 

I’m pretty honest with men about this too. I mean, I’ll eventually want a relationship. 

But not all the time…

Just sometimes…

Only when it’s convenient for me…

Ah, dammit! I have adapted to today’s technological society that wants a relationship without having a titled relationship. Fuck me. 

I want a monogamous on-call boyfriend. 

What do I even mean by this, you ask? Here’s the deal: I want someone I can call/text at any hour of the day and they will be there for me. I want to go on dates with said person. Not often, just when I have time. I want him to only sleep with me. However, I want the option of sleeping with other people. I know, I know. It’s so double standard. So what? This is what I want! I want us to have open and honest communication. As a bonus, if he wants to help me with my rent but not live with me that would be AMAZING! 

Come on, I’m realistic to the fact that this is probably not gonna happen. But I can still want it. But seriously, I’m not sure what I want from a counterpart. Is it even fair to these men that I date? I do tell them I’m unsure. I like to think that I’ll just know when it happens. That’s how it’s happened in the past. I was never looking for anything really and yet I seem to have found myself in 3 long term relationships in my life. 

Will having no expectations, in fact, fulfill my requirements of a “relationship”? I guess we’ll find out. In the meantime, I’ll just wait for my monogamous on-call boyfriend to magically appear. Or, do I already have him and have just managed to not give us a title to avoid any real intimacy? 

Don’t get me wrong in what I’m saying. I’m monogamous once a monogamous relationship is established. Until then, I have no obligation to be. This doesn’t mean I won’t be, just not obligated to be. If you don’t ask for what you want, you don’t get it.

All this being said, stay tuned to see if I managed to find this…