I like to keep the “lady flower” in tip top condition so with recent events mentioned in my previous post Did I Ask For It? and in addition to using protection I get regular STD and HIV tests. Since I just moved to LA and don’t have a primary care physician yet I decided to visit my local planned parenthood. They call me to the back where they do their questionnaire and screenings. When I get uncomfortable I make inappropriate jokes and talk about smoking weed. In this case, the gentleman that is taking my vitals and asking very personal questions about my sex life is laughing and joking around with me. He asks if I would like the rapid HIV test so I get results immediately. Well, duh! Fuck yes I want rapid results. He pricks my finger, takes a little of blood and administers ther test. I ask him to walk me through the test and explain to me how it works. He proceeds to tell me that if one has HIV there will be two red lines that appear. Ok. So, I’m watching my test and see one blue line appear. I ask him what that means. His face drops. He says “you have a blue line?” I laugh and ask “am I pregnant?!” This motherfucker tells me that it means I’m HIV positive. WHAT THE FUCK?! Then he smiles. And says “I’m just fucking with you, girl. You’re good.” Oh my fucking gosh! In that split second my heart dropped and world collapsed. I cannot begin to tell you everything that I thought of in that millisecond of a bad joke. I laughed and almost started crying. He apologizes while also laughing. I call him an asshole and tell him I obviously needed that joke to really grasp the importance of protected sex. In that second I knew that this guy and I were going to be friends. I know, you’re thinking I must have some sick and twisted sense of humor. Yes, yes I do. BUT, that’s not why I wanted to be friends with this guy. He understood my open mindedness and sense of humor in just 10 minutes of speaking with me. I told him I was gonna bring my son to see him once he became (knowingly) sexually active. I want him to scare the shit out of my son the way he did me! Fuck. That joke was fucked up! Laugh with me for seeing the jacked up cynical humor in that.
Side note: I am free of both STDs and HIV!