Well, let’s be frank, when it comes to dating I’m an equal opportunist. Do I have a preference? Of course, but I feel that I should be openminded to exploring men that are not my norm. If you know me, you know that I don’t know what a middle ground is. I go from one extreme to the next. This being said, I met a cholo. 

This guy messaged me on Instagram. Yes, Instagram. I’ve realized that any social media is a means for a dating app to many. He looked familiar and that’s because he’s from a couple of Buzzfeed videos I had seen on Facebook. He’s Mexican and tattooed. Dresses in Raider gear and khaki pants (probably Dickies). Not my type whatsoever! Anyway, he asks me out for drinks. Fuck it, why not? Let’s do something crazy and go out with a cholo. He says his car is in the shop and asks if I can get him. Ok… sure, I guess. He doesn’t live far – Van Nuys. (Mind you, I have a knee breaker in my car and know how to use it.) I pick him up and we head to a nearby bar. He’s already trying to go to my house. Not even at the bar yet, dude. Geez, slow it down! We get to the bar, have a few drinks. He’s not very intelligent. This dude talks about himself SO much to anyone that’ll listen. He tells the bartender the video he was just featured on and any patron that will listen. We get it bro, you just got your 15 minutes of fame and you’re excited. But in all your excitement, I’m bored. I tell him I have to get going. He tries to get me to take him to my house. I laugh sarcastically and drive him back to his place. 

He texts me every day while he’s in NYC. Small talk, “how’s your day” type of text. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, he’s an actor (if you didn’t pick that up already). This poser isn’t even a real cholo. He’s just an older (late 30s, early 40s) Mexican guy that hasn’t quite grown up and this cholo thing has worked for his career. 

When he returns he asks me to meet him and one of his counterparts from the videos at a bar in North Hollywood. I’m not doing shit at home so I meet them. Again, this guy is telling anyone that’ll listen about his name to fame. It’s super annoying and yet entertaining. I’m stoned, thank goodness. I really think I decided to meet them just for material to write about. These guys are clowns. I offer to give them a ride home since I only had two beers and they were pretty drunk. This time he doesn’t try to invite himself back to my place. I’m thinking by my short text messaging and lack of affection towards him that he has realized he’s in the friend zone. 

About a week passes and he invites me out again to a comedy club to watch his friend. I absolutely love comedy shows but these comedians were garbage! It was a little sad to watch. I’m getting ready to leave and he attempts to grope me. I slap his hand away and let him know there’s no way we’re ever fucking. 

A few days go by and I get a text from him very late at night. He’s freaking out and tells me his WIFE is going to leave him if she finds out anything about us. WHAT THE FUCK?! His wife! He’s married?! I’m fucking livid. I don’t do drama. I don’t fuck with married guys. I tell him that I’m not lying for him and that’s his fucking problem. In the morning, his wife contacts me. She’s very polite, thank goodness. But she’s asking a lot of questions. I tell her the truth. It’s not her fault nor mine she’s married to a cheating, lying poser scumbag. The cholo text me a few times to tell me I’m fucked up and whatnot for talking to her. I laugh. How funny that I’m somehow the bad guy in this situation. I can’t stand people that victimize themselves. Take ownership of your actions! This arrogant bastard invited me to a comedy show that his wife’s friend was doing stand up at and thought he wasn’t gonna get caught up. This is some shadiness on a whole other level! 

His wife left him and her and I remained friendly. Like I said, I don’t do drama. But I’m also not looking for more friends at this time. It’s nothing against her at all. 

Lesson in all this? I’m just gonna stay in my comfort zone when it comes to the men I like to date. 

Looks like I will NOT be leaning like a cholo at any point in my life again. 😉

Broken Hearts and Pussy Farts