We have all probably found ourselves in situations (aka relationships) that were questionable. Relationships with toxic people that made us toxic human beings. But have any of you taken the time to find out exactly what purpose the other party was to have in your life? I did just that with the most toxic relationship I’d ever had to date.
From the age of 25, I spent approximately a decade in/out of a toxic relationship with a man. We fought constantly. We said hateful things to one another. We hated that we found ourselves in this predicament but neither of us would leave. The craziest shit is that I can’t even say we were in love at the time. We were just all we knew. For me, I was so insecure that I couldn’t leave him. I’d say verbal abuse was probably the reason for those insecurities. He had broken me down. I stayed around to endure this type of abuse because I mistook it for love.
Eventually, we did what all couples who can’t stand each other do – We got married. We drove out to Vegas, did a bunch of ‘shrooms and Molly, drank an abundance of alcohol, walked about 20 miles and had deep conversations about how we were gonna change. We stayed up until our bridal appointment at 10am at The Little White Chapel. We both wore black as a homage to the death of our singledom, exchanged our vows and went back to the room to sleep. Two days later we drove back to Denver to announce our mistake to our families.
A month later he was packing his shit in anger and moving out only to come crawling back the following morning. This happened a few more times throughout our first year of marriage. At the end of 2012, I asked him to move out permanently. I just couldn’t do it anymore. From 2012-2014 we treated our marriage as though we were still dating. We didn’t live together, we fought, we made up, we argued. Finally, I asked for a divorce.
In the two years that we were separated and not living together, I learned so much about myself. I relearned how to be independent. In just two years I left a job I hated, I finished my business degree, completed my esthetics license and was on my way to building a new career. In that time of separation, my husband became my friend. He helped push me to do all these things. He was my support system.
Somehow, we still couldn’t make it work between us. Our divorce finalized in June 2015. Even the judge couldn’t understand why we were divorcing. He had said that in his career he had never seen two adults that seemed like they actually cared for one another and put their children first. It was a very sweet thing for him to say. If he only knew, it was something we couldn’t figure out either.
We left the courthouse and “celebrated” with a few beers and he dropped me off at home. We have children together so we had to stay in each other’s lives. We were not prepared for the friendship we developed. The entire time we were together we missed the real reason we should be in one another’s lives. I had always felt that he was my soulmate. That we would be in each other’s lives forever. But I thought that meant we had to be together. Nope. We are literally best friends. I would’ve never seen this coming beforehand. But it is now 2017, our friendship is strong, and we do not have any physical relationship whatsoever. I finally have an unconditional love for this man. We still bicker occasionally but show me two best friends that don’t.
We’ve spoken about how our friendship could hinder future relationships and have come to the consensus that if someone is too insecure to deal with our friendship then they probably shouldn’t be in our lives. We have both dated since the divorce. He had a live-in girlfriend for a while and if you’ve been keeping up with some of my posts, you all know what I’ve been doing.
I understand that for most this is a nonconventional situation to find yourself in. But, my parents have been divorced for 30+ years and are best friends. In fact, my mom remarried and my stepfather and father are close friends. We are all able to sit down for family gatherings without tension or animosity. I’ve always wanted the same for my kids and family since the separation. My children are able to see what a loving friendship looks like. This is probably more than what most parents are able to give to their children. I am grateful that we were able to find our true purpose for being in each other’s lives. Our friendship is unbreakable. I look forward to being able to share that friendship with the love of my life one day.
Now, if you read my last post, you know that this man still stresses me out and drives me absolutely insane. I’ve had to kick him out of my house, uninvite him from a family vacation, and threaten him with the loss of my friendship. Still, we find ourselves there for one another whenever it’s necessary. Just this year alone he has done things to hinder this relationship. Does this mean we may eventually outgrow one another and go on to have healthy relationships with other people? Will my soulmate, in fact, just become and ex mate? Knowing that this relationship is not of the norm, what would your feelings be if you were to start dating someone that had a friendship with their ex like this? I’d love to hear feedback on your take of my unique situation with my ex-husband…