I feel like I’m finally strong enough to be honest with myself and honest with my readers about what the emotional effects were after Broken Hearts and Broken Noses.
I sit in silent shock almost every day. Even today as I write, I’m still in shock at the whole situation. I still cry. I’m still saddened. I’m still confused. I’m still healing.
So, let’s try to dissect this:
What is domestic violence? Domestic Violence is defined as a violent confrontation between family or any member of the household involving physical harm, sexual assault, or fear of physical harm. Family or household members include spouses / former spouses, those in (or formerly in) a dating relationship, adults related by blood or marriage, and those who have a biological or legal parent-child relationship.
The batterer uses acts of violence and a series of behaviors, including intimidation, threats, psychological abuse, and isolation to coerce and to control the other person. The violence may not happen often, but may remain a hidden and constant terrorizing factor. Domestic violence is not only physical and sexual violence but also psychological. Psychological violence means intense and repetitive degradation, creating isolation, and controlling the actions or behaviors of the spouse through intimidation or manipulation to the detriment of the individual.
Domestic violence destroys the home! No one deserves to be abused.
The responsibility for the violence belongs to the abuser. It is not the victim’s fault!
This is something I’ve had to repeat to myself daily since the incident. And I thank some of my closest friends (you know who you are) for helping me see this.
Picking up these shattered pieces have been the hardest thing I’ve had to do. I’ve let him make me feel like I was the violent one. I’ve let him make me feel like I was to blame. All these feelings and this is the only way I’ve really been able to express them. I feel like I can’t show weakness in front of my kids. They went through so much already. So, let me thank you all for reading this blog and allowing me a release.
As a person that has gone through some sort of abuse (psychological and physical) with someone for the last 11 years, I almost have a sense of guilt for what he’s going through. It’s a fucked up feeling that I don’t quite understand. I feel bad that my family won’t talk to him. I feel bad he’s struggling with this disease of alcoholism. But why the fuck should I consider his feelings after all he put us through?! But, I do…
I let this psychopath manipulate his way back into my life with [more] empty promises and apologies. He seemed so genuine. He went to a doctor, got on antibuse, was spending more time with our youngest son. He was showing all signs to recovery.
He seemed so genuine
Then my son tells me his dad has been drinking again. His dad promised him he would never see him with a drink in his hand. He broke yet another promise. But this time he broke the promise to someone else – our son. Sadly, our son tells me he never believed his dad’s promise and knew he would drink again. Fuck. My ten year old son is smarter and more logical than me. He’s so aware of what’s going on now. He shouldn’t know these things at his young age. And I feel like I’m a shitty mom for not protecting him more. This sucks.
I discuss this issue with the ex. He apologizes (again) and says he fucked up but is taking steps to fix it. LIES! I tell my son that his sister will pick him up (as they are in Denver for the summer).
The ex does this a few more times with our son around. Drinking at BBQs, drinking at Dave & Busters, drinking at home. I can see this is taking a toll on my son emotionally. This is especially hard because I am a thousand miles away from him. So, I decide that I am going to send our son to counseling. I feel like he needs someone that he can talk to that is unbiased. He goes once a week with my daughter there as support. This was the best decision I could’ve made for him! Once in the counselors office, he openly talks about his dad. Unbeknownst to me, the counselor grew up with an alcoholic father. This really helped our son listen. The counselor was able to speak with my youngest from personal past experiences. Our son went to counseling once a week for the entire summer and I saw a huge improvement in his overall emotional health and attitude. 🙂 This was a move in the right direction.
My older son chose not to go to counseling. I did not want to push the issue too hard with him. Our older son doesn’t have a problem talking about his feelings. He’s hurt right now and I understand. I will give him time to heal and hope that at some point he and his dad can discuss it. But not until his dad is clean.
Taking time to let myself try to heal while making sure the kids are good has been a bit of a challenge. The only thing I’ve been able to do is make myself aware that I am not responsible for my ex nor his sobriety.
I think the hardest part for me is knowing that this isn’t who he is. He wasn’t always an alcoholic. He didn’t always do drugs. It kills me to see him go down this path. Every part of me wants to help him. But I don’t. I let him dig his grave a little deeper with each drink. And I feel horrible about it.
I feel like I can’t completely heal from the pain because I’m worried about everyone else. I NEED to make sure the kids are ok. I WANT my ex to get better and I worry about him. My family feels torn apart… and it is!
Moving on from this is taking much longer than I had anticipated. I’m so grateful for the close group of friends I have that attempt to help me through this whole process. They have been my rock. They have shed light on areas that were completely dark. And the support of my readers has been wonderful. I write openly about my feelings and experiences knowing that it will be bewildering to some, and to some it will hit close to home. This whole ordeal is still very confusing to me… but I focus on healing my family and myself.